Move over ‘The Bachelor’….or really just any free time I previously had used to do productive things. This past weekend, I discovered ‘Love is Blind’ on Netflix and haven’t
brushed my teeth looked back since.
The driving concept behind the show is that the best way to fall in love is “with our eyes closed,” AKA by not judging the f*ck out of someone based on their looks. So, the creators essentially rounded up a group of women and men who are all looking for “the one” (which is still the craziest part to me – I can’t even find ONE man who wants to settle down and they managed to find 20+), and their only job for the week is to get to know one another and fall in love. How do they do this without seeing each other’s faces, you ask? Through pods, of course! WTF is a pod? Honestly, it’s just a room with a fancy divider in the middle that makes it so they can hear each other but cannot see each other.
Yes, the hosts of the show are Vanessa and (obviously) Nick Lachey
The only way to physically see whoever you’ve been talking to this whole time is to get engaged. LOL yeah, you heard that right. So all of these men are proposing (again, where are they hiding these men that are actually proposing in the world???) to the women in these pods, and only after THAT is when they get to meet in person. From there, they go on vacation, meet the family, and from the looks of the commercials….fight!
Netflix is (sadly) rolling out the episodes in batches, so we don’t know how the series ends quite yet. But that does not mean we cannot appreciate the goodness that has graced our screens thus far! Here are my favorite ridiculous moments from the show because I NEED to get them off my chest:
LAUREN SAYING I LOVE YOU AFTER 1.5 DAYS
This whole show is ridiculous, and Lauren and Cameron sure set the stage from the start. Lauren told Cameron that she loved him after a few days because they “bonded over loving their families.” SUPER original and unique feelings happening over here!!! Hell, I could be engaged to anyone if my only criteria was ‘must love family.’ They cried together (or, ‘cried apart’ actually, because of you know, that divider thing in the pod) over the love they feel for their moms or something and then decided that they wanted to get engaged after that. Cheers to the happy couple that shares so many special thoughts and feelings unlike ANYTHING anyone else could ever relate to!
JESSICA’S FLUCTUATING VOICE
Silly me to have believed her voice is really that girly and high-pitched from the start! I quickly learned that Jessica is putting on a fake voice for the guys in the pods. When the camera cuts to her seconds after a pod scene for an interview with the producers, her voice is totally normal/unspecial. Ugh, that is so embarrassing for her. Maybe she doesn’t even realize she does that and it’s her way of flirting? IDK I feel bad.
JESSICA NOT WANTING TO BANG MARK BUT THEN BANGING MARK
Jessica is kind of a buttoned-up person. She is, therefore, struggling to find the words, “I am not sexually attracted to Mark.” TBH, yeah, I’m not either – he looks like he has a million pubes in the place of hair on his head. He is also 24-years-old, while Jessica is 34. So Jessica keeps saying things like, “I’m just having a hard time merging the emotional with the physical,” and, “I want to take it slow” instead of “I find him repulsive.” She did one time say, though, that she “usually goes for bigger guys.” This poor fella.
However, in the second batch of episodes, we finally hear that Jessica and Mark have done the deed. Mazel Tov! She even calls it “great sex” and raves about him to her friends saying that he “completes her.” I was very worried about them, but now I’m optimistic with only a SIDE of worry.
GIANNINA (SP?) TALKING ABOUT SEX
Do guys find this kind of sexual frustration in women attractive? If so, Giannina is winning. She told her fiance, Damien, that she hasn’t had sex in exactly 426 (or something) days. And then she made the “joke” that she “went to the ocean just to feel her ass being slapped” because she hadn’t felt that in so long. The main thing wrong with that joke is that it isn’t funny, and nevermind desperate. Like, you’re already on a show where you’re willing to go so far as to get ENGAGED to someone you met three days ago and haven’t even physically touched yet – let’s let that speak for itself and play it cool as much as humanly possible in all other aspects.
BARNETT SOMEHOW BEING THE HEARTTHROB
This damn guy. He’s probably the hottest guy on the show (Mandy is in love with Cameron, but I’m more of a Barnett guy. Y’know because I love a Finance Bro), but none of the girls know that and he’s still the most popular. I swear, us women can sense a hottie from miles away, even without seeing his face! He has that cool-guy attitude that’s kind of cocky, but he’s not really doing anything wrong or hurtful so he gets away with it. Anyway, it’s just funny to see a total frat guy on this show randomly be sensitive and literally cry over which girl to chose, etc. And then to also have girls cry over him when he’s not really anything spectacular. I personally think his jokes are kinda funny, but he’s not exactly husband material – yet you’d think he was freaking Brad Pitt.
THAT KITCHEN FIGHT
Giannina is a firecracker. Damian is not. This has caused quite a few fights, but this kitchen fight was by far my favorite. Giannina says to Damian, “You know when you tell me this is the best sex of your life? Do you ever notice how I don’t return the compliment?” She’s then like, “I don’t understand it. Why can’t you just seduce me?” Lolllzzzzzzz PLEASANT! It was the quickest fight in all of history and they make up after Damian is basically like, well I don’t ever want to have angry sex and that’s all you ever want. But “I can be passionate as f*ck,” he says. And then they start hooking up and it’s over. #RealityTVForTheWin
Poor Diamond and poor Carlton. They didn’t have a great last scene on this here show. On one of the vacation episodes, Carlton finally came out to Diamond as bisexual, and let’s say the conversation didn’t end in cupcakes and rainbows. Diamond was surprised at this revelation (I mean, of course she was – he never told her this info in the pods) and Carlton took her surprise as disapproval and rejection, which is sad. It’s a big insecurity for him. Anyway, it turned into a big fight because they disagreed on when he should’ve disclosed this info to her. Here are my favorite quotes from the fight:
“Watch my ass to the next dick boy” – Diamond
“F*ck a ring *throws ring into the pool*” – Carlton
“Watch your wig because it’s been slidin’ since day one” – Carlton
“Nah f*ck like me” – Carlton
JESSICA TRYNA STEAL AMBER’S MAN (STILL)
Andddd here we are again! I can’t believe how much Jessica is not giving up on this. Every chance she gets, she’s talking to Barnett trying to get him to fall in love with her. She even takes it so far as to say to him, “I can’t walk away from this experiment knowing I didn’t give it one last try” (or something like that). Basically, she’s saying she wants to feel like she made every last effort to take Barnett from Amber. OMG! IDK if this or the baby voice is more embarrassing. But I have to give it to Barnett for handling the situation maturely and not giving in (which, like, probs isn’t that hard given how annoying Jessica can be).
If you haven’t been sucked into this show just yet, now is your time to binge. Like, NOW! Bye!
I shared this over on girlandthe.com too!